Advocacy Principles

What is the difference between a Parent and a Parent Advocate?

A Parent is often:

1. Understandably overwhelmed and tired from 24/7 care for the special needs of his or her child(ren);

2. Abandoned by friends and family who do not and likely cannot understand the demands of raising a child with considerable issues;

3. Frustrated by the challenge of getting misleading, erroneous, conflicted advice instead of help from the agencies which are supposed to provide meaningful resources;

4. Worn out from traveling from appointment after appointment, sometimes with no meaningful answers;

5. Heartbroken from repeat rejection, abuse, and rages mistakenly aimed at the parent by the very child he or she is trying to help recover from early trauma and neglect;

6. Shocked when schools and social services have never heard of attachment disorder and complex trauma and/or have no idea what to do for the child(ren) or the family;

7. Angry when his or her considerable experience with complex trauma and attachment issues is dismissed or minimized by agency "experts" who have no answers and refuse to listen, or even worse, blame the parent;

which results in exhaustion, stress, loneliness and defeat.

A Parent Advocate is:

1. Calm and collected because he or she has established a support group that understands the issues faced by the parent each day and will lend support when obstacles present themselves;

2. Fortified by knowledge of his or her child's condition, expecting that others are uneducated in complex trauma;

3. Prepared to educate others with facts, resources and research;

4. Confident in his or her knowledge, despite what others choose to believe;

5. Dedicated to the outcome in the best interests of his or her child, no matter how long the process takes;

6. Supported by a team of professionals who have been carefully chosen to support the child's healing as well as the parent's advocacy on behalf of the child;

7. Professional and polished, no matter how others choose to act;

8. Strong by recognizing his or her child's behavior is not personal, but a powerful witness of the child's need for an advocate who can see past the rages, pain, and rejection to bring help, hope, and healing;

which results in support, empowerment, and strength.

Before you advocate, EVALUATE.

Stop right now.

I know what you are doing because it is what we all do. You are beating yourself up because you are more of a parent than a parent advocate. Stop, stop, stop. If you need to reread that again, do it. The purpose of the comparison is NOT to make you feel guilty for all of the very NORMAL feelings of being a parent of a child who has experienced complex trauma. Do you hear me? I said NORMAL. That's right. If you do not or have not felt every single emotion on the "parent side," you are likely not doing something right. The only reason I can say that is that I am confident that 100% of us have felt the "parent" emotions at least weekly, if not daily.

So why do the comparison? What's the point?

Here is the point: Before you advocate, evaluate. What does that mean? We are parents. We love our kids. Raising a child who has experienced complex trauma is tougher than tough. We are going to feel overwhelmed, tired, abandoned, strung out, and exhausted. That is not the time to advocate.

When we are squarely in the parent world, we approach IEP meetings, Family Support Team meetings, and even court looking haggered, stressed out, and on the verge of collapse. In contrast, many of our children with complex trauma symptoms are able (through their survival skills) to present as friendly, outgoing, and engaging children with strangers. As a result, the minute you walk in the room to advocate for your child, you are at a disadvantage. Immediately, people wonder how the child did so well with a parent as haggered as you.

That is not what we want.

Let's take that one step further. After hours and days and weeks and months and years of little help, no friends, and 24/7 care for a child who may beat you, spit on you, or otherwise hurt you, you are angry, very angry, when you reach out for help and others have denied, rejected, or even blamed you for the issues your child has faced. Parents of children with complex trauma have every right to be angry. In more cases than not, the anger goes back to a very valid point on the part of the parent.

However, anger and advocacy do not mix. Before you advocate, evaluate.

The point of this comparison is to show you that before you stand for your child, you must put on the mental framework of an advocate. You must have a support system in place. This is critical. As a parent, you can expect for obstacles to arise repeatedly. That is the nature of being a parent of a child with complex trauma. However, as a parent advocate, you need a safe place to address your anger and frustration so you can recenter to be the advocate you want to be.

Make sense?

To be clear, you are not expected to be a saint or even a parent advocate all the time. But, it is important that you print out the comparison as a reminder to yourself that before you advocate, you must EVALUATE. You are 1000 times more effective in standing for your child when you embrace the Parent Advocate position.

Within this website, we will give you powerful advocacy resources to enhance your effectiveness. But, to harness these incredible resources, you will need to embrace the mentality of the Parent Advocate. That is when you are "suited up."